Congratulations! You Were Right. How Needing to Win is Killing Your Happiness.

Take a second and reflect on how important it is for you, as an individual, to be right.

How often are we arguing our point, “listening” to someone else’s conflicting ideas while we have an inner monologue focused on crafting the perfect response? Catching someone on the other side of the argument with a simple misspoken error and thinking, “HA, what an idiot. This is going to be too easy!” without hearing what they’re actually saying. How many times have you caught yourself closing an article, setting a book down, or unfollowing a connection on social media because they’re saying something that makes you uncomfortable?

As humans, we’re constantly driven to be right. That means we’re winning, right? If we prove our point and convince someone else our opinion is somehow better than theirs, we’ve achieved our goal and can go home happy. Isn’t that right?

I’m not so sure.

But, before we get too far into the weeds on whether or not we’re winning when we’re right, I want to explore why we have this drive.

It can be traced back through millions of years of human evolution. It’s one of the reasons why we’ve survived as long as we have. Our paleolithic brains (sometimes referred to as “lizard brains” by people much smarter than me) over three million years ago, boiled survival down into a basic instinct still prevalent in the natural world today: fight or flight.

Is the thing standing in front of me going to kill me? Yes or no?

Life can’t get more black and white than that. That instinct drove our brains for millions of years. While we have that basic drive to thank for life as we know it, unfortunately, we also have it to blame for our incessant drive to be right.

Think about fight or flight and how it translates into the language we use today. Right or wrong. Black or white. Yes or no. Sink or swim. All or nothing.

Millions of years ago, as humans were nowhere near the top of the food chain, a simple “this or that” was the key to survival. Instant identification of either state meant life or death. There was no room for gray area because gray area could mean the end of our life.

Now, these false dichotomies that evolved from fight or flight leave no gray area in a modern world that’s almost entirely gray. Our paleolithic brains are trying to boil down highly nuanced situations into a simplistic, fight or flight applicable scenarios that will keep us from falling victim to saber-toothed cats and giant hyenas that went extinct tens of thousands of years ago.

Life isn’t simple. There is no roadmap for our daily trials and tribulations. No one understands what truly drives an opinion, mindset, or choice. But that doesn’t keep us from talking about it like we do, right?

Think about the language we use on a daily basis. How often do we use words and phrases that leave zero room for a secret third option in our paleolithic brains?

“You have to love your job or you’re throwing your life away for a paycheck.”

“If you don’t wake up at 5am for a morning routine, you don’t have the discipline to be successful.”

“Discipline your kids or they’ll grow up to be spoiled brats.”

We all make these statements. Hyper complex situations with countless variables can be broken down into a simple yes or no, this or that. It’s that easy. If you don’t get it, you’re an idiot. Life has devolved into soundbites, posts, and clips we can share instantly that prove how right we are, or how wrong someone else is.

However, as anyone who’s ever mediated an argument or conflict can attest to, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. Both statements can be true, and both can be wrong. Moreover, there are countless hidden options in between we simply overlook thanks to our paleolithic brains.

Life is a beautiful mess, driven by unique human beings with perspectives we can’t replicate perfectly or truly understand. Nothing in life is as simple as fight or flight convinces us it is.

So, let’s revisit my initial not-so-hot take. If we’re right, we’re winning. Isn’t that right?

I would argue the opposite, for three specific reasons. 

Reason #1: You miss the truth.

First, as I already pointed out, with the nuance and complexity of life as we know it and our fight or flight instincts driving the need for simplicity, we’re constantly arguing for one of two sides. The truth is somewhere in the middle, and if we’re not searching for the gray area, we’re already missing the point.

Reason #2: You're playing a high stakes game with no winners.

Second, if someone is winning, then someone is losing. Sounds pretty high stakes if you ask me. If you are consistently spending your time and energy showing everyone around you why you’re right and they’re wrong, how strong are your relationships? Who wants to spend time with someone, anyone, who is always right?

What if you’re not right? Doesn't that mean you're losing? What a scary thought. How does it make you feel to be wrong? To choose the wrong side of an argument or cast a misplaced vote of confidence in something that turns out to be more harmful than helpful? To have your preference overridden at work?

When we live with our paleolithic brains we put ourselves at risk to live or die in our arguments. After all, fight or flight is just that, right? Life or death. But it’s not actually life or death now. It’s our happiness, not our lives, at risk.

We tie our happiness and wellbeing into being right, whether it’s at home, on social media, or at work. If we’re not right, we’re wrong, and there’s nothing worse in our modern society than being wrong.

We dwell on being wrong or “losing” constantly. Sometimes for hours, days, or even years of our lives. It can ruin friendships and crater marriages. It drains us of our self-worth. Our brains have convinced us that being right is the key to survival. Instead, it’s become our key to happiness in the 21^st century.

Reason #3: Being right isn't teaching you anything.

Finally, if you’re winning, what are you learning? I would posit that winning an argument or conflict makes you less effective in the long-term.

You could argue you’ve become better at arguing, and I’d probably agree just to avoid an argument...

Maybe you spent time learning more about the side of an argument you’ve chosen. Congratulations, you’re even more one-sided than you were before.

Imagine if the coach of a sports team spent all their time learning offense, but not defense. Then, when the media pointed out they didn’t understand defense, the coach spent more time and energy looking for ways to prove offense was more important than defense, just so they could prove the media wrong. How well would that coach perform? What example is being set for the players?

The same metaphor could be made with a business leader focusing on operations but not sales. A parent mastering parenting but ignoring their marriage. A lifter prioritizing physical strength while ignoring mobility and recovery.

Understanding you don’t have to win, and instead seeking to understand and learn from the “other side” of the argument immediately makes you a more well-rounded, thoughtful, educated human-being. Admitting we don't know or don't have all the answers keeps our minds open to endless possibilities. Isn’t that beautiful?

So, that’s all well and good. We have paleolithic era brain that’s ill equipped to handle the complexity of modern issues without making a near instantaneous judgement call like, “Saber-tooth cat. RUN!” or “Antelope. Carry on searching for berries.”

What can we do about it?

Here is how we lower the stakes in three easy steps:

1.      Ask questions and, more importantly, actually listen to what people are saying.

Hold off on trying to convince anyone of anything. Ask open-ended questions. Withhold judgement. Listen. Learn and live by the acronym:

WAIT: Why Am I Talking?

When you hear the idiot inside your own head preparing their dissertation on how the other person is wrong, shut it down. Actually listen to the other person. You never know what you might learn.

2.      Don’t just get comfortable in the gray area, SEEK IT OUT.

Understanding that everything isn’t as simple as fight or flight is half the battle. Now, you must start recognizing it in the wild. Look for statements that offer two and only two possible options. Look for this OR that statements. Look for statements that use absolutes like “I know” or “always” or “impossible” or “100% sure”. Are any of these true? How do we know? Ask questions and watch arguments unravel.

If you’re actively engaged in or a third party to a conversation or conflict that has boiled down to two opposing points-of-view, ask why. How did we get here? Are there only two options? How can both be true? How can both be wrong? How do we change OR to AND?

3.      Find joy in being proven wrong.

I say it probably too often: life is messy. No one is perfect. No one individual has the blueprint to success. Modern society is complicated. Humans are complex. Anyone that pretends to have all the answers is full of it. Fight the ego and the need to be right. Enjoy being wrong and, probably more importantly for the relationships in your life, admit when you’re wrong freely.  Being wrong means you’re learning, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Understanding why we boil important, complex, highly nuanced issues and decisions into paleolithic era fight or flight will help you unchain yourself from being right, keep you open-minded and learning, and build better relationships. Search out the gray area and enjoy being wrong.

I promise, it won’t kill you.